I don’t consider myself a deep thinker. There are a lot of people who would go to great depth to analyze all that 2020 has meant to them. After all, it’s been a most unique year, and it’s still going. I’m not sure I want to imagine how the last three months will end this year.
The reason I doubt I’m a deep thinker is simply this; I can say that all I have done for the past nine months is worry, eat and complain about how bored I am! I’m even tired of reading books, which has always been my one huge pleasure. Sometimes I have to put a book down for a few days, just to remember why I love fiction. It’s an escape mechanism.
I’ve fretted about Covid-19, and then I started to fret about this horrendous fire season. I’m still looking over my shoulder regarding the fires as they are still ablaze. I can smell the smoke inside our home, and we can see our skies darken as ash falls on our house and cars. We both watch the fire updates, check on family and friends and keep going. I can’t NOT worry about the fires. I can smell them, which means I often wear a mask while in the house. I rarely go outside–that’s just asking for trouble.
And Covid-19? I’ve thought about that since the day our governor said to shelter in place. For some reason I thought we’d only be doing that for a brief time. Well, here we are still trying to stay safe, stick with social distancing, washing our hands and, once again, wearing masks. Basically we are trying to be responsible adults.
I feel both fortunate and guilty about my small insulated world, because I know some who have a lot more to worry about. They have to work, set their kids up on remote teaching and hope the lessons sink in all the while still running a household. Then there are those who lost their jobs and now have to worry about all of the expenses that are piling up. They worry about child care, finding a new job or hoping their old job returns. And then there are the small businesses that closed. Will they survive? Regarding the fires, there are so many devastated communities; so many survivors without homes. And lives that have been lost. First responders will forever be considered heroes.
So, while I know I have it excellent beyond compare to others, I still lie awake at night fretting about fires, a pandemic and wondering how to digest all of the information flooding my way.
And I’m bored to tears, as the saying goes. I mean, I am BORED! I get excited about going grocery shopping. Seriously. I look forward to having to go to the store, or to the bank. Those errands used to be called chores. Now they are considered a day out, a field trip. Once again I feel bad for all of those running in circles to keep things afloat, to keep their families on schedule etc., but since I don’t have those situations to deal with, I am more than ecstatic to run to the grocery store.
I can’t tell you how excited I was to learn I could now get my hair cut and my nails done. That makes me sound so very shallow, but I’m truly looking forward to these appointments. I need them more for a mental health day than I do for the actual need for hair and nail maintenance.
And when I’m bored, I like to bake–and then eat. I had to put a halt to this mental therapy for my BMI reason alone. I’ve gotten much better at baking once in awhile instead of several times a week. I also had to store that bread making machine from hell away. Every time I looked at it, additional time on the treadmill became necessary. Pies, cobblers, cupcakes, bread pudding…well the list just goes on and on. They’ve all been put on pause until special occasions. Right now just getting any good news is a reason to eat so maybe I should tighten my list of “special occasions.'”
While I acknowledge how good I have it compared to others, it’s all relative. So, I will continue to fret and worry, try to limit my baking and eating, and I’ll remain BORED. Please tell me I’m not the only one feeling this way. I keep hoping and praying that 2021 will bring us all new hope. I’m putting a lot of faith in the new year and it’s not even here yet. But, 2021 just has to be better than 2020, right? Here’s to having a tiny bit of a Pollyanna shine through. As Pollyanna would say, “Certainly there is at least one good thing to look forward to each day.” Sometimes it’s just hard to imagine the rainbow while the storm is still raging.