My Journey

I have looked back on the past twelve months, and have really put an effort into examining my life.  I still have difficulty understanding all of  the “what ifs” and the “why’s.”  I have spent many long hours trying to analyze these past four quarters and I am afraid that I must finally say, “I don’t understand life.”

First of all, I may never comprehend friendships.  Are they not meant to be all accepting, loving and forgiving?   I’m not so sure.  I have always wanted to be a valued friend, but here is what happened awhile back.  I had no idea that I was as sick as I was until I passed through the bad times and came out the other side. That took nearly a year. Then and only then, could I say, “Wow, that was really an ugly period.  I really felt lousy.” I  could also see that my level of patience had been thin.  All I can say was that I felt physically and mentally ill and exhausted.   All the time.  When I looked at specific situations where I now see I could have handled issues more tactfully, I reached out, holding my olive branch only to find myself to still be holding that piece of wood.  What ever happened to friends accepting differences and every once in awhile not agreeing with you, but still maintain a friendship?  Yes, I feel a bit hurt; not only have I discovered that friendships are fragile, but I have also found that some were never true friendships,  I would never want someone to deal with what I have gone through, but I sure hope I could be more of a helpful tool than a knife in someone’s back.  Just a thought.

It’s been a year of growth; so many different maps to learn how to maneuver through.

Then along came the slap in the face called mortality.  In the past tweve months I have known four friends and family members who have had to deal with cancer  All four have been a part of my life for a minimum of thirty years , some far longer.  All four friends live in different areas and have four different types of cancer. All are women.  I’ve shed more tears for these women than I thought could be possible.   Last May, one of the dear souls lost her battle.   I pray she knew how much I adored and loved her.  She was a phenomenal person…she loved just about every person she met.  The only positive acts that came from her passing is that I got to say “Thank you, I love you dear friend,” and that her other friends and I have become closer as we mourned our mutual loss.  And boy, do I miss her!  She taught me so much about life-faith-love and forgiveness.  She taught me to accept people as they are, and to try to carry on.  Losing her has been one of the hardest losses I’ve ever had to deal with.

My other  “cancer friends” remain warriors.  They are strong women determined that cancer will not beat them in their individual battles.  I love their unending desire to survive.   I have learned to admire these women more each day.  What amazes me is that while they are staying strong, each has stopped and asked me how I’m doing.  I don’t usually go into it because I find that I’m more frightened by their cancer than I am with my chronic illness.  So I try to remain  focused on praying for them.

I’m still socially acclimating to our new retirement area.  I joined a book club.  This has been a wonderful choice–a variety of readings and women. They are still more in the acquaintance category, but give my shy personality a chance…I’ll get there yet.  I also joined a greeting card making group.  This became an opening to a totally new side of me–being artistically creative.  Not my forte but I’m having fun.  Sometimes I just have to push my comfort zone envelope.

I’ve also learned during these past twelve months that life is very, very short.  I don’t want to go through it safely.  I don’t want to be dull or in a rut.  I want to grow up to be that old lady that makes people look at twice.

My “on the road to success,”  is perhaps me learning the art of relaxing.  My meditation hour is important; soothing music a necessity.   I only talk politics with my husband because we are of like minds.  It eases my Washington anxiety.

My next goal is making my trips to my old town a WHOLE lot less.  I recently realized just how often I have made that 135 mile round trip; it surprised me. I may have to send maps to all of those I visit and mark the path for them to drive up the hill to visit me 🙂  Stay tuned .

 

Much Love